A warning: I am feeling sorry for myself and feeling enough pity to go around, that you are not required to comment or even read any further.
I'm still grieving. I say that as though it is a brand new concept and I suppose it is. I expected that things would get much easier with time, and when I got past the one year anniversary of my husband's passing, it would be like reaching a milestone or crossing a finishing line. But it wasn't. In fact, in some regards it feels harder. I kind of reached that conclusion last night. I had a very tumultuous day. I wished I could have gone back to bed and start all over, except that I had a very fitful sleep the night before and didn't want to face that prospect again. So I am sitting on the couch watching a few more episodes of a TV series....a comedy actually. The story line is about a young mother who has lost her less-than-one-year-married husband and now it is three years later and feels she has now "lost" her best friend in the world. They are awkward around each other and the young widow confronts her friend about feeling abandoned by her. She is feeling alone and shunned by her friend, and she blurts out, "you were there in the first year, but the second year was harder." I felt as though I had stumbled upon a great revelation.
In fact, this morning I typed into Google "the second year is harder grieving process" and to my surprise, there were pages of results. I didn't know this was a thing. No one had warned me about the second year. No wonder I am feeling lost, depressed, frustrated, but especially ALONE. It has been so difficult to "move on", and I have been feeling like a failure. Why have I not called in a realtor yet? Why am I dragging my feet about selling on Kijiji? Why have I not priced my items for a yard sale yet? Despite all my hard work lately to move forward, I can't pull myself together enough to hold a simple yard sale. I feel deeply abandoned and I'm not sure why. In the months following Rick's death, there was a lot to keep me busy. Forms needed changing. His name had to be removed from accounts. His clothes and possessions were dispersed. There was a lot of bureaucracy and adjustment to living a life as one, after 47 years of being joined-at-the-hip with my life partner. And I had a lot of help in trying to reach those changes. People were responsive to me . They checked in on me. They were always there for me. But lately, some people assume that I require less support because I am obviously in
a better place right now after so much time has passed, and partly because of my insistence that everything is fine; because after all, things are getting done. When people ask me "how are you doing?" I reply good, great, fine......as in, at this point in my grieving, I think I am where I can expect to be. But things will NEVER be good, great, fine because a piece of me is gone forever, and it will never be the same.
The second year is more about coming to grips with being absolutely alone. I feel angry, a LOT. The simplest things frustrate me. I feel paralyzed at times. I have learned to do so much on my own this past year. I feel proud of my accomplishments. But I am tired too. I am tired of being brave, tired of being lonely, tired of asking for help, tired of not having enough money, but mostly tired of being the only one responsible for getting things done. There are days lately when I start crying at the drop of a hat. Waves of grief wash over me. I look at couples together and wonder why they are lucky enough to have each other. Why did he have to die and leave me alone? This is what I am having to come to grips with in this second year. Yes, I have made a decision to sell and move into a two-bedroom apartment with a balcony, but the truth is that I haven't decided yet where I am going to move. It is going to take a lot more time to get ready for this change than I first thought.
Oh, Susan. (((HUGS))) I am so sorry. I don't know what to say, except, I am sorry. The grieving process is a very individual thing and it can take a long time. Things do get easier with time, BUT that time can take a very long time. Much longer than one year or two or even three.
ReplyDeleteAs you say, the adrenalin keeps you going that first year and there is more support that is readily available. But, as time goes by, people get busy with other things and don't realize you still need help. And it is made worse, I think, because you are having to deal with money issues in addition to everything else. The move to another residence and all that is involved with that (the decluttering, yard sale, putting the house up for sale, etc.) wouldn't have been as urgent if you didn't have to economize, if there was money for a gardener to mow the lawns, for a repair person to fix whatever needs to be fixed around the house, etc.
Also, I think your carpenter friend's recent diagnosis has been a shock and a stress trigger - you are probably being reminded of all what you went through with your husband's illness. Plus there is your son's health issues and your daughter in law's health issues, as well. It's just one thing after another, isn't it?
Is there a support group you can attend? A grief counseling session, perhaps? Or an online forum? Perhaps it is time to reach out to family and friends (maybe this post is your way of doing so, as you've mentioned they read your blog?) and let them know that, no, you are not doing as well as you have said you are, you're feeling overwhelmed and could do with some help?
Are there any community volunteer groups who might be able to help with your house and garden projects? Sometimes, it is hard to say, "I need help", but there might be people out there who are looking for someone to help.
If you can, if your finances allow, I urge you to give yourself a little more time in which to get things done. And a little more time in which to grieve. Take care of yourself and give yourself a day off. (((HUGS)))
Bless, you know exactly what to say. Thank you. I should acknowledge how far I have come, instead of how much more I have to go. And when I feel overwhelmed and sad, I should take the time to rest and let those feelings come. You are absolutely right. There have been a lot of stress triggers lately and "one thing after another". I have never been good at asking for help and it is very stressful for me to ask. The thought of talking in group therapy is terrifying. It would not work for me, but I do have some close women friends who I can talk to. I will be doing more of that instead. It doesn't help with my need for someone to help out with the work and the things that need fixing, but they may have some ideas.
DeleteI know you said we didn't need to respond but I'm coming out of my self-imposed silence to give you lots of hugs. I've been reading your posts and AMAZED at all that you are doing. Truly. Remember all the times when you said you were lazy and unproductive? Well, I never thought you were but these past few months especially you have been amazingly productive.
ReplyDeleteSo while it might seem to you that you are not making much progress, I want you to know that I read each post shaking my head and thinking "where does she get all this energy?! Are you kidding me?! She worked in the yard AND decluttered her house AND make cards AND went cooking AND maintains friendships AND does video calls with grandchildren, all the while when you have friends and family members experiencing very serious health issues. I don't know how you do it. If one of my kids was seriously sick, I'd be on the couch all day fretting about it. You are stronger than you think. Much stronger!
At the same time, you need to give yourself more time to grieve. Is there a reason why you are rushing to move to an apartment?
I mean, is it really "time to move on?!" Maybe your brain is telling you to slow down. Maybe you can wait another year if it's too much right now?
I'm sorry about the loneliness. I read your posts and a couple of other bloggers who have also lost their husbands and I again, I don't know how you do it. Here I am whining that Greg is on a business trip for a few days and I still have Youngest Son living at home. I imagine it's got to be very difficult. As busy as you keep yourself, it doesn't replace having Rick with you, I know. I think Bless had a good suggestion about maybe finding a support group, although if you're an introvert like me, that might not sound like such a hot idea. But maybe finding others who are going through the same experience, either in real life or online, could be of help.
Are you still seeing your therapist? ((HUGS)) Susan. You are loved.
The little voice inside me says to wait another year, take more time to get things done. But almost every single person I know personally (friends and family) see this house as being the biggest source of stress in my life. I AM conflicted, and you have picked up on that. It all comes down to calling in a realtor. It seems so final. There will be no turning back. I said I wouldn't call in a realtor until I cleared out a majority of my belongs...sell on Kijiji, hold a yard sale, put in a very few property fixes like building the decks, getting rid of the "garbage" on the property into the dumpster, and getting a professional in to cut down and remove branches from the overgrown areas. But they are telling me to bring in a realtor NOW to advise me. Maybe he/she will have a buyer for the property "as is" and I shouldn't be putting good money after bad (or whatever that saying is"). I ALMOST cancelled the yard sale yesterday. I just couldn't see my way to holding it the way I was feeling. Yesterday was an even worse day than the day before. I know YOU will understand why I couldn't answer your comment until today. But I am gathering every last thread of resolve to get through this on Saturday. A friend of mine is sleeping over on Friday night so we can get the stuff out in a timely fashion for Saturday morning. My son's fiancee will arrive at 6:30 to help us carry things outside and then she will get on with her day. Other friends tell me they will drop by. I have not advertised, but I hope I will get a lot of traffic simply by living on the main highway through town, and I will price to sell.
ReplyDeleteI was actually going to leave another comment and suggest you talk to a realtor first. You don't need to sign the contract right away. Just talk to one (do you have any friends of friends who are realtors who might want to do a good deed?) and see what the advice is. Selling "as is" is one option but you need to weigh what you still owe on the house + cost of getting an apartment (move, deposits, etc...) too. A good realtor will also have contacts with handymen, contractors, etc. who can do the work that's required, although that will mean money out of pocket. Still, it would give you a realistic idea of what to expect for your specific market. Now is a good time to sell here in the states, not sure how the market is doing in your area.
DeleteThat being said, listen to your own instincts. Friends and family mean well but YOU know you and while their advice might be well-meaning, it doesn't mean that is is the best thing to do for your own sanity right now. You're still dealing with strong feelings of grief and common wisdom advises not to make rash decisions when one is under the throng of strong emotions. So... unless you have a strong monetary need to sell the house now, what is the rush? Yes, not having to deal with the house, yard, etc. will be a relief, probably, but if you're making yourself sick in the process, maybe it can wait another year or however long it takes for you to fully be comfortable with giving up the house. Just my own 2 cents. Good luck, Susan.
Do look for an online forum designed to support people dealing with the loss of a spouse where you can post anonymously, if the idea of a real life support group isn't appealing. I've gotten tons of support on forums at various stages of my life, sometimes even only by reading about others' experiences with similar situations, not even posting myself. (((HUGS)))