Daybook: Monday, March 6/17

My plan was to start blogging again on the first of March, but that didn't happen. I figure that a Daybook would be the best way to jump back in, so-o-o

Outside my window.....it is gray and overcast. Most of the snow is gone, but there is a chance for freezing rain today and it was a very cold weekend with our night time temperatures around -17 Celcius.

I am thinking.....of ways to organize my life and routines to help me deal with my new normalcy. I feel the need to purge stuff and to do a real deep cleaning. But I don't want to make any drastic changes for a year or more.

I am thankful for.....my family and all my wonderful friends who are constantly checking in with me.

From the kitchen.....there has been a lot of slow cookery going on this past week. I have made two pots of chicken broth and one has been turned into soup already. I have cooked pots of black beans, pinto beans and red kidney beans which have gone into the freezer. I roasted four chicken legs with backs attached and removed and froze the meat for future meals. I fried up some ground beef with onions and red peppers to add to the freezer for spaghetti sauce and for chili con carne. I roasted a beef roast for my son and his GF who came out this past Saturday, and I have enjoyed leftovers from that meal.

I am wearing.....blue jeans, a thin knit sweater, socks and slippers.

I am creating.....a birthday card for one of my grand daughters in Vancouver who is turning five. (I forgot about her birthday coming up this week and I feel terrible about that) I am also making a birthday card for my SIL who has been helping me purge and Spring clean. She is going to a party where the birthday recipient is turning 90.

I am going.....to the bank today to deposit a death benefit cheque from Rick's Millwright Union. It will apparently take three months or longer for my husband's pension to come to me. I don't even know yet how much it will be for. So this death benefit will have to carry me through for a few months until I start getting my finances in order.

I am hoping.....these feelings of loss will lessen in time. Sometimes the tears seem to come out of nowhere.

I am hearing.....the blower on the furnace and the click of the keyboard as I type this.

Around the house.....I am trying to do some purging and cleaning because my housework has been on the back burner for quite some time.

One of my favourite things.....is the cell phone that I gave my husband at Christmas. While he was in hospital, I had my son and his girlfriend set it up for me as I was spending less and less time at home, and my family and friends needed to know what was going on and wanted to get in touch with me. Nowadays, I have been using it to text with my kids during the day. They don't need to call everyday because they are hearing from me now on a daily basis. And I have unlimited texting. It still takes me forever to text anything because I suck at it, but I am improving. I never in my wildest dreams would have called a cell phone my favourite thing.

A few plans for the rest of the week......include a couple of visitors. One of my husbands best friends just dropped in on me this morning and stayed for over an hour. He is in town for a few days after having moved to the Parry Sound region a few years ago. Tomorrow, my son's GF is coming over to do some laundry and I will try to teach her how to knit cotton dishcloths. It will be like the kettle teaching the pot. (I have barely learned how to knit myself) On Wednesday morning, my SIL is coming back from Smith Falls for another round of purging and organizing. She will go back Thursday afternoon and we will see how much we can get done. Thursday night I have a ticket to see a Musical called "Menopause" at the Grand Theatre. The girls (from the Girls' Weekend) bought these tickets months ago, and although we have all seen this performance before, it was so comical and enjoyable, that we jumped at the chance to see it again.

Here's the picture I am sharing.....one of my favourite views from the pool lounger in Cuba.

In Memoriam

My Sweetie's name was Rick, and he was my rock. He died peacefully on Wednesday afternoon on February 1st surrounded by his family.  He was a fighter but his suffering is now mercifully over. Although he was on life support, he was able to communicate with his eyes and his very expressive eyebrows. He made the decision to come off the ventilator so he could tell us good-bye before he left, and the wonderful ICU staff kept him very comfortable until the end. He was trapped in a body that was quickly failing him, as every organ started shutting down. He had all his children and his oldest grand daughter with him to talk about their favourite memories with him, and we shared some laughs and good times. He never lost his sense of humour.

Tomorrow we are holding a memorial visitation here in town. Rick's remains have been cremated. We have been very busy making arrangements and putting together lots of photographs. The phone rings constantly. I don't think any of this has hit home yet. I will be taking a very short break from blogging myself, but I will continue to read your blogs as they tend to keep me grounded.

Weekend in ICU

I have mentioned already that it has been getting more difficult lately to update you all on my Sweetie's hospital stay. He has been lying in a hospital bed for 3 1/2 weeks now, getting worse instead of better. His is a very complicated case, and the Internal Medicine doctors are certainly earning their salaries.  After returning to his room on Connell 10 at noon after four hours of dialysis, his blood pressure tanked to 58 over 33. They administered more albumin through his IV and medicine to raise his blood pressure. They have changed some of his antibiotics and added a few more. The decision was wisely made to move him to ICU so he would be more closely monitored.  This week has been particularly scary with lots of ups and downs. Tonight, though exhausted and feeling pretty beat up,  he still has his sense of humour.

There is nothing to do but wait and see and hope and pray. You have already expressed your kindnesses and concerns to me. You have offered up prayers and best wishes for healing. There is nothing more to say, so I will make it easier on you by disabling the comments field on my blog temporarily. It might make it easier on me as well. I will send another update tomorrow night.

Winter's Return

My Sweetie called me at 7:30 this morning waking me from a sound sleep. He told me they were taking him down for Dialysis this morning and wouldn't be back to his room until afternoon. I didn't look out the window yet, so I didn't know what the weather was like. When I went to open the back door to take the dog out, this is what I found.

A wall of ice on the glass of the exterior door. 

 

Yesterday  also started out with freezing rain, but it had quickly melted off the roads. After I scraped the car windows off, I was ready to leave for the hospital about 10 o'clock. My husband had another bad day yesterday, and when I came home I had a good cry. So this morning, when the freezing rain turned to snow that has fallen now all day, I decided I couldn't go in to see him today. My emotions are riding a roller coaster from day to day, and it is all I can think about or talk about. I think my husband could also appreciate a day without me hovering over him. I think he tries very hard to keep my spirits up, all the while I am trying to bolster his spirits. So my blog today will not have any more news from the hospital.

Ice on  branches

...followed by ice pellets, then snow.

 I put some veggie peelings from the freezer into the crock pot with water. After I remove the peelings, I will add a chicken carcass to the pot and leave it overnight. I should be left with another good veggie and chicken broth to make soup this week. I also peeled a bag of Cortland apples, cored and sliced them. Half went into the freezer. The other half was baked into an apple crumble. I had to throw away 1 1/2 apples that I could not save. 

Apple Crumble

I spent a lot of time on the phone today talking with family members and friends. Some people fill their anxiety with work. I wish that was me; but alas, it is not. When I am anxious, I tend to become paralyzed with inaction. I don't want to do anything. I wish I was the opposite. My house would be spic and span. Ha. I can sometimes putter in the kitchen. But mostly I tend to craft. So this afternoon I worked on some more of my valentines for the kids.

The Week-end

I did go in Friday, but the results of the kidney biopsy will not be known until Monday. In the meantime, they had moved him again. This has been the 6th move since he was admitted through Emergency almost 3 weeks ago. Then on Saturday morning, my daughter arrived here from Bradford. Her husband took the kids to Collingwood for a skiing weekend, so she was on her own. We spent most of the day visiting at the hospital. Though my Sweetie was genuinely pleased and surprised by our daughter's visit, he kept dozing off. Part of that I'm sure was the result of the pain killers he has been on. We were both there in the hospital room when the Internal Medicine doctor came around, and then the Nephrologist on call. They explained to us the need to keep sending my husband for dialysis every other day to clean the toxins from his blood (but not removing any fluids). They hope by lowering the levels of uremia, his nausea will disappear and his appetite will return. He is also going to be moving his feet, ankles and legs while in bed to move the leg muscles and move the fluid gradually from the tissues, into the bloodstream and eventually into the kidney. As it is, he cannot get out of bed without assistance. So I spent two days massaging his feet and lower legs, and bent his knees to get the legs moving. Eventually his leg muscles will regain memory and begin to work on their own. The doctors explained that even the action of trying to move his legs is enough to move fluid. This is giving us new hope. We will talk to physio early this week to see what pieces of equipment we will need to get my husband home. Meanwhile, the results of the biopsy should be ready tomorrow, which will help them determine how to next proceed.

A good friend had me stop off at her place yesterday on the way home from hospital so she could give me a chicken dinner....not just chicken dinner with gravy, but all the fixin's as well. There is enough for a few days of meals. So we had a lovely supper when we got home. My daughter stayed overnight, came with me to hospital again today, then left for home mid afternoon. It was so lovely to have her home with me, even if just for a short visit. 

Thursday update

Most of my family and friends do not go to my blog. They get my posts sent directly to their in-box, so they do not see any of the comments that are made. As I did not post anything yesterday because my Sweeties' day continued until 10 PM, I will copy and paste the comment I made to Nathalie this morning.

Still here

It is getting harder and harder to write these updates, because at times it feels like nobody has any idea of what they are going to do. I am watching my husband get worse and worse, and some days have gone by with nothing being done at all. I will write this update in point form.

• On Monday night, my Sweetie was moved out of the private room and back into a semi-private. The test results for a hospital borne illness came back negative. 
• On Tuesday morning I called patient locating to find out which room he was moved into. His phone was disconnected so there was no way to talk to him. I had that problem sorted out by calling the nurses' station to inform them.
• I drove to the hospital early this afternoon after the freezing drizzle stopped. I asked at the nurses' station if they would send the doctor to the hospital room to speak to me. The nurse came in to talk with me first. She said that my Sweetie was having a very bad day. He was taking pain medication every four hours and he wasn't eating or drinking . Of course, that wasn't new. He hasn't been eating or drinking for two weeks now. She also said that my husband had been given too much Lasix. They could no longer get a working IV  in his arm because his veins were collapsing because there wasn't enough fluid in his veins. It is all interstitial.
• A nephrologist came in to talk with us and announced that he was going to put more IV fluid into him because of the lack of fluid in his veins, and he was going to put a hold on the Lasix. Their plan consisted of putting in even more fluid and then do another biopsy of the kidney this Friday. My husband and I "hit the roof" so to speak. He already has 22 extra pounds in his legs that was put in by IV the first week. That doctor left to confer with the head of Nephrology.
• The nurse came in to try putting in another IV line in my husband's arm to start up the Lasix treatment that he had not yet received today. This order had just been given to her by Internal Medicine. I refused the treatment until both parties (Internal Medicine and Nephrology) got together to discuss a new treatment plan. 
• Within 5 minutes, we had three doctors in the room. I explained that within the first half hour of my arriving to see my husband, he had been prescribed two diametrically opposed courses of treatment. We needed to resolve the issue of not being able to insert an IV port, so it was decided to send him to Radiology to have a PIC line put in his arm so nurses could take blood and give medicine. We also suggested that a dialysis line be put in through the neck like they did back in October to give him dialysis if it was finally decided that that was the only course of action. But Nephrology wouldn't go for that. They want to save the kidney, but my husband has been through enough. 
• I spoke with my Sweetie Pie an hour ago. He said they put the PIC line in his arm after 5 o'clock tonight; and while he was there, the radiologist told him that Nephrology had finally given the go-ahead for the line to be put in his neck tomorrow. I am guessing that dialysis is not completely out of the question. 
• I will end this post with a valentine that I finished this morning.